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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28360041">can't hold back (but if you don't feel the same)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/eggtoast/pseuds/eggtoast'>eggtoast</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>SF9 (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, Getting Together, Lack of Communication, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-20 12:13:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,378</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28360041</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/eggtoast/pseuds/eggtoast</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It's funny, because if the roles were switched, he'd be saying just about the same thing to anyone else. </p><p>Heaving a sigh, Hwiyoung asks, "I can't avoid it anymore, can I?"</p><p>Chani shrugs non-committally.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kim Youngkyun | Hwiyoung/Yoo Taeyang</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>50</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>can't hold back (but if you don't feel the same)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>there's so many plotholes in this if u see one no u didn't</p><p>title lifted from <a href="https://youtu.be/daoMYJv8i0c">day6 - i like you</a> lyrics</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Hwiyoung is woken up by rustling.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It should probably make him afraid, especially when he can see the silhouette of someone slipping into his bed. Somehow though, their presence doesn't stir up any fear.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He can't tell who it is yet, not when his eyes are still stuck together with sleep, and the only light that seeps into the room is from the crack under the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sorry," comes a familiar whisper. "Go back to sleep."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Taeyang?" he murmurs, voice laced with exhaustion and fingers reaching out to the dark.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, it's just me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I miss you," Hwiyoung rolls onto his side to face Taeyang. His eyes are closed, yet he can imagine each detail painted on the other's face - a mosaic of memories coming to form something picture perfect. Somehow their two bodies fit on his small single bed, though it's a squeeze. He doesn’t mind it though, likes it even, feeling closer to Taeyang than he has in a while. "Why do you never talk to me anymore?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It's embarrassing, the way putting it into words makes it feel so much more real and crushes his heart. Something catches in the back of his throat, making it hard to talk, and there's a distinct wetness in his eyes that wasn't there before. He’s always been too emotional.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hwiyoung wishes Taeyang would say something. But he doesn't.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Silence. It tells him more than he needs to know. He hates it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hwiyoung breathes out a sigh and closes his eyes, fervently hoping sleep will claim him soon so he can forget about this. But at least for tonight, he can cling to Taeyang's arm and pretend for a moment that they're something. More than strangers, more than friends.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But it'll only ever be wishful dreaming, because Taeyang isn't his. Not really.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Somewhere between his fantasies and reality, he wonders if he's really asleep when the other murmurs, “I love you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Taeyang is gone in the morning.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Sleep well?" Chani asks, handing him a cup of coffee.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Why are you here?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It comes out as less of a question and more of a statement that's not looking for a reply. Hwiyoung glares at his friend, taking the drink silently. It's warm, a welcome comfort in contrast to the mornings that have been growing colder. Maybe he can forgive Chani today for invading his kitchen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I give you coffee and this is how you repay me," Chani quips, raising a brow. "So clearly I asked the wrong question." He takes a sip from his own mug, before setting it down on the table. "What's got you in a knot? You've had awful eyebags for days so you can't even try to deny it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"My eyebags aren't that bad," he defends weakly. "They're at least Gucci."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chani snorts derisively at that. "Gucci's not even in the top five. Everyone knows Chanel bags are where it's at." His face relaxes, and he looks more gentle when he follows up with, "Okay, but you don't have to talk about it if you really don't want to."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shakes his head and mumbles something so quickly he knows it's unintelligible, even to himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What was that?" There's a small smirk on Chani's face though, and it's obvious he's just being difficult. Damn him and his exceptional hearing and ability to read Hwiyoung.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He huffs, leaning on the countertop. "I'm not repeating what I said."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chani gazes at him, and Hwiyoung shuffles slightly as he experiences the uncomfortable feeling of being studied. Despite him being older, Chani has always tended to be the caretaker between the two of them. It stems from their childhood, when Hwiyoung was hesitant where Chani was deliberate. They've grown up now, both fitting their skins better and their friendship evolving with time. Sometimes old habits are just hard to break.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You should talk to him," his friend says slowly, tapping the rim of his mug.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't really want to."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I know."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It's funny, because if the roles were switched, he'd be saying just about the same thing to anyone else. He's aware he's acting like a child - not doing something purely on the whim of not </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanting</span>
  </em>
  <span> to. He's twenty-one now, surely he has enough courage to communicate like an Adult.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Heaving a sigh, he asks, "I can't avoid it anymore, can I?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chani shrugs non-committally.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There's a certain amount of skill it takes to avoid someone, and Hwiyoung is a master at it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His expertise largely comes from the fact that it's someone he lives with. That is to say, Taeyang.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They've been sharing an apartment since the beginning of Hwiyoung's second semester in first year (and friends before that), which means they're close to their two-and-a-half-year anniversary of living together now. It also means they've been close for at least that amount of time until recent developments have led them in an awkward dance around each other.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When did they start drifting apart? It might've been when he'd had the horribly sudden realisation that he had actually fallen for his freakishly talented and obnoxiously attractive housemate. That was about two months ago.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They'd barely exchanged a word in that amount of time. In fact, he'd barely seen Taeyang at all, except for the moments the other crept into his bed late at night. It wasn't like he hadn't done it before - there were more than several occasions they'd shared the same bed, but it hurt never having the chance to properly speak to Taeyang. He was always half-asleep. Of course, he could seek out the other while he was awake, like now, but why would he do that when he could just avoid the other and pretend nothing was out of the ordinary?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh to be an ostrich with his head in the sand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There's something more daunting about the idea of talking to Taeyang in the daytime. Perhaps it's the sense that it’d bring everything to light, exposed for all the world to see. Perhaps it's simply easier to bloom in the dark, for only one person's eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Still, they'd been on eggshells for much longer than two months. The last time he could really remember spending time with Taeyang was August, when they'd gone to see that awful movie together. The armrest between them had been lifted up and they leaned against each other, laughing and whispering to one another about how ridiculous each moment of the show was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His heart aches for the impression of Taeyang left on his heart, and the distinctly Taeyang-shaped piece missing from his life.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chani drags him to the milk tea store on campus.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You need to drink something other than coffee."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Are you seriously saying that to me? You should take your own advice, Mister Five Espresso Shots." Hwiyoung looks at him incredulously, disbelief colouring his voice. He looks pointedly at the store they’re in front of. "Anyway, how is drinking bubble tea any better? Aren’t both of us technically lactose intolerant?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The lack of response from Chani is a clear indication he's decided to pretend Hwiyoung hasn't said anything. He rolls his eyes and allows himself to be tugged along, running his free hand through his hair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What do you want?" Chani asks, looking up at the menu board.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Pick for me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Okay."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His best friend sounds much too cheerful at the prospect and queues up, with Hwiyoung mindlessly following. He's too invested in checking his phone, going through the social media timelines. A notification pops up - one of those 'memories' they like to remind you of so you’ll engage with the app more and continue using it so they can profit off you. He tries to swipe it away but accidentally taps on it instead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A double mistake. Maybe it’s time to delete all his social accounts for good. It's a picture of him and Taeyang - that time Hwiyoung had managed to convince Taeyang to go to the museum because no one else wanted to go with him. His thumb hovers over Taeyang's name-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chani peers over his shoulder, groaning and swatting his phone away. "Stop! This is best friend time, not pining over boys time."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They're at the front of the line now, and as he slides his phone in his pocket, Chani looks at him with puppy eyes. That could only mean one thing -</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're making me pay, aren't you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His best friend breaks into a wide grin, eyes crinkling at the corners. Sometimes Hwiyoung wonders if it'd have been easier to fall in love with Chani. He's not that big on the romance genre, but the whole 'childhood friends to lovers' thing happens to be one of his favourite tropes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes please, thanks. Love you!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But no, it's a bit weird. In some ways, Chani will always be a nearly-three year old in diapers with a stinky poo. (Not that he can specifically remember that moment, it's just a story shared by their parents one too many times.)</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You don't seem like yourself," Rowoon comments, arranging himself so his back is against the wall and his arm is draped on the back of his chair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It's an effortless kind of cool, especially since his older friend is just so good-looking. He's just speaking objectively - he's already past his crushing-on-Rowoon phase (an experience everyone he knows has gone through. For him, it happened the first time they’d met in his first year). Hwiyoung can see people occasionally glancing at their table in the corner, too. Who wouldn't in the presence of someone sculpted by the gods themselves?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This is their first time meeting in three months. Alas, that's the biggest con of having upperclassmen friends - schedules that are forever mismatching.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Is it that obvious?" Hwiyoung grouses, looking sullenly into the depths of his glass. His drink is half-empty. "You're not the first one to point it out."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They take a pause in the conversation. Ambient sounds and smells overtake his senses for a moment - the buzz of people chattering around him, the slight stench of alcohol, but also the smell of cooking food.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shuts it out when Rowoon asks, "Do you want to talk about it?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lifting the glass to his lips, he takes a thoughtful sip, relishing the way it slides down his throat refreshingly. "I guess."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Take your time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The buzzer left on their table finally activates, signalling their order is ready.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rowoon takes a moment to take a swig of his drink, and stands up, assuring him, “Don’t worry, I’ll get it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hwiyoung sits there like a fool, mind blank and expressionless as he watches Rowoon and waits for him to return.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His friend exchanges the buzzer for a bowl of chips, and sets it on the middle of the table. Then he plucks a chip out of the dish and munches, waiting patiently for Hwiyoung to begin talking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, so it’s Taeyang.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wasn’t the last time you called me at midnight because you were freaking out about being in love with him?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hwiyoung opens his mouth, then closes it after a moment of contemplation. “Oh. I guess so.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you talked to him since?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He takes a chip for himself. “No, that’s the main problem.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why not?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I haven’t seen him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh my-" Rowoon snaps his mouth shut, effectively cutting off his own sentence. He breathes in, before saying, "Hwiyoung, we live in an age with something called instant messaging. Are you sure you’re not just avoiding him?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hwiyoung averts his eyes. “Decline to answer.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rowoon tilts his chin down, lips pursed together and brow furrowed. There’s also a very judgy look in his eyes that Hwiyoung doesn’t enjoy being on the receiving end of.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What am I gonna do?” he whines, “Just send him a, ‘hey by the way I’m in love with you and I’m sad you only talk to me when you sleep with me,’ and hope for the best?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rowoon’s eyes are wide. “You’re having sex with him?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His friend continues, “I mean you don’t have to be ashamed, if-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hwiyoung’s cheeks start to redden as he realises his words have been misconstrued, and hastens to right the wrong.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no!” He exclaims, talking over Rowoon in a bid to make him understand. “We just sleep, literally sleep. In the same bed. Nothing else.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh. Well.” Rowoon blushes. “Sorry for jumping to conclusions.” He scratches the back of his head. “Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure Taeyang’s not the type to do something like that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hwiyoung nods.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It just sounds to me like both of you are emotionally constipated when it comes to each other.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t even know if he likes me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tell me what kind of normal human being creeps into their friend’s room to sleep in the same bed.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stares at Rowoon, who has a triumphant look on his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s what I thought.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He could message Taeyang. He probably should.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But not now, because it’s too early o’clock and Dawon has blown up his phone with text messages telling him to get ready because he’s about to come over to pick Hwiyoung up so they can go eat!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hwiyoung plans to blame Chani, even if the only reason is because he was friends with Dawon first.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dawon takes him to a neat little cafe tucked away in a corner.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hope you didn’t think I’m just asking you out for fun.” Dawon nods to himself. “But I promise I’ll pay this time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then I want pancakes. With extra bacon.” Then, Hwiyoung deadpans, “This is about Taeyang, isn’t it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dawon gasps dramatically, clasping his hands over his chest like he’s offended that Hwiyoung would think so. “But you know, now that you mention it,” he pronounces slowly, as if the idea’s just come to him, “What’s the deal with you two?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hwiyoung props his menu up, covering his face, and studies it like it’s the most gripping article he’s ever read. His friend sitting opposite him doesn’t buy it though, and slowly pushes it down with one finger.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, seriously. What’s my idiot friend done that’s got you so down?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Taeyang’s not an idiot. If anyone’s an idiot, it’d be you.” Hwiyoung frowns. “He hasn’t done anything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dawon grins, puffing his chest. “That’s right, it’s me, the idiot.” Inclining forward so his shoulders are hunched, he concludes, “So it’s the lack of him doing something.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Since when did you get so caring?” Hwiyoung retorts, but there’s no bite in his voice. It’s true though, he associates playfulness and teasing with Dawon the most, as he recognises it as the elder’s way of showing affection. His sincere side doesn’t seem to come out as often, so maybe he’s really treating it as a serious matter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Since you’ve started getting wrinkles, Hwiyoungie,” Dawon answers, tapping Hwiyoung’s forehead and mimicking his frown and furrowed brow. “I’ll go order our food first.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sags in his seat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In a moment, Dawon reappears. “Care to share?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Rowoon thinks Taeyang likes me?” It should be a statement but it comes out dressed as a question with his voice rising in tone and ending on an upward inflection, no finality to be seen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think everyone thinks that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then why isn’t he talking to me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t make it easier for him,” Dawon points out. “You’ve been hiding in your room whenever he’s home.” At Hwiyoung’s shocked look, he tilts his head. “What? He </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> one of my best friends, you know. I have to deal with both of you being angsty.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then why does he come to my room?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably because that’s the only time you haven’t been pushing him away.” Dawon wrinkles his nose. “Just send him a message, like, ‘hey can we talk?’. And then go from there. Easy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Spoiler alert: it's nowhere near easy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After their breakfast, Hwiyoung promised Dawon he’d send the message but it’s been three days since and it’s left unsent, the draft sitting prettily in the textbox.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you recruiting everyone to talk to me or something?” Hwiyoung asks Chani as they walk into the library and he spots Juho waving at them from one of the booths.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, but I wish I came up with that idea. That’s so smart,” Chani enthuses. To anyone else who might not know him, he looks emotionless, almost bored. Best friend perk, Hwiyoung guesses - reading their most obscure expressions. “Who have you talked to so far? I’ll get the rest on board.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hwiyoung shakes his head. Another opportunity he’s given Chani to ruin his life. He used to keep track, starting from when they were twelve, but he gave up at some point. One of the biggest things would definitely be giving Chani a spare key. There’s been one too many times he’s caught both Taeyang and Chani eating his snacks that he’s squirrelled away in the pantry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Rowoon and Dawon.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Great, Juho can be next. How many more does that leave?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hwiyoung lets Chani count on his fingers as he slides into the chair opposite Juho first. He greets him cheerfully with, "Hey! Whatever you do, don't listen to Chani."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Why?" Juho inquires. He gathers up his musical scores and shuffles over, making space on the desk for Hwiyoung and Chani to put their stuff out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Can you please talk to him about Taeyang?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Juho looks at Chani blankly. "Taeyang? What about him?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chani gives him a perplexed look.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh.” It’s as if realisation finally dawns on the eldest of three. “You mean the thing?" Juho shifts his gaze to Hwiyoung. "Just be you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The reply to Chani makes him stare very hard at Juho, wondering if the process of osmosis will allow him to simply absorb a smidgen of the other's charisma. Fat chance, the universe probably cackles. Juho shifts, coughs slightly, and Hwiyoung averts his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's okay."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I’m a bit scared,” he admits quietly. If life could be a movie, it'd be so much easier - just skip to the end.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No-one said it would be easy.” Juho shrugs. "But you live and you learn. Take it as an experience. You grow as a person. You do something once, and it becomes the start. You have the ability to do that now and the potential to do something greater."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There's silence all around as Juho's words sink into their consciousness.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Wow Juho, you're cool." Chani's wide eyes confirm his sincerity.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It seems like that's the end of the Taeyang talk. He's relieved, but Juho has give him something to reflect on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What can I say? You two are the protagonists of your own life. I'm just a side character in your story," Juho puts one hand on his back with drama, leaning heavily over the table, "the decrepit old mentor who gives sage advice."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're not that old yet!" Hwiyoung protests. "At least you're not as old as Youngbin and Inseong!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Don't let them catch you saying that, they'll be devastated," Juho chuckles.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Well, he ends up sending the message.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It doesn't go as badly as he thought it would.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It's as simple as, </span>
  <em>
    <span>hey, can we talk?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Though, is it really him if it’s Chani who ends up being the one to press the button?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It doesn't matter either way, because Taeyang replies with a million emojis expressing his excitement and it's like he has barely any time to breathe before Taeyang is in front of him asking if he can kiss him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There's vague awareness of Chani hovering in the corner acting disgusted, but he leaves quickly. He'll probably say later it was because they're infuriatingly gross, but Hwiyoung is certain it's to give them proper space.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes," he breathes out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Taeyang leans in first, Hwiyoung's eyes flutter close, and their lips meet somewhere in the middle.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>POST:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It's Christmas Eve, and Hwiyoung and Taeyang have just announced they're dating to the rest of their friends.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chani already knows, but the rest of the table are all grumbles about </span>
  <em>
    <span>ugh, finally</span>
  </em>
  <span> or </span>
  <em>
    <span>do you think they'll be even worse now?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Classic, of course you finally decide to get your shit together just as I was ready to prepare a big speech," Inseong mourns, shaking his head sadly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I know!" Jaeyoon exclaims, beating his chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Youngbin gives an encouraging grin and awkward thumbs up.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this fic really said i'm going to take u on a journey and give u a bare minimum effort resolution at the end</p></blockquote></div></div>
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